Fighting

Tonite I was going to blog about disciplining.  That is what this was going to be about.  That is how this fight started.  But it has gotten so much worse.  So much bigger.  I just don't know if I can do this.  If this is how he will be with every fight I don't know if I can do this.

I can't figure out what I have done to deserve for him to be so cold.  I have told him I just need him.  I need him to sleep in the bed with me.  I need him.  I am hurting so badly right now.  And he just stays on the couch. 

I told him earlier that I needed to stop having the conversation about how to discipline my son.  I told him I couldn't talk about it anymore.  He kept pushing.  Then I snapped.  But I really didn't even snap.  He went on and on about my son being a liar -- and he was saying I wasn't listening to him.  So I said yes I am -- Noah is fucking liar.  So then he gets pissed and hangs up.

Then tells me by text he will no longer talk to me about Noah.  Very helpful.  Let me tell you.  But he tells me that he is doing it because he loves me and doesn't want to leave me.

So I kind of let it go.  I give him a huge hug when he gets home.  I help his son and mine with doing homework.  We sit down at the table.  I am explaining to the kids how few people actually become Eagle scouts and how much dedication it takes.  And how good it looks on the resume.  He laughed at me and asked who ever told me that.  I told him.  And he laughed and said "well they are wrong".  So I asked him how he knows this.  And said because he was a recruiter for four years.  And people look down on people who put personal information on their resume.  That is when his son proceeds to tell me that it is because he (Pierre) is smarter than me.  Which he corrected him -- but only by saying that it wasn't nice.  I then told him that for a college student entering the work force -- you should list all of your major achievements and that was a huge one.  Not only would it help then but also to get scholarships and to get into the school you want to get into.  So basically he made me feel and look like an idiot, an inferior in front of all of the kids... in particular his kids.

Then -- I let that go.  He starts to do dishes and I asked him to just let it go till tomorrow.  He refuses so I tell him I am going to help him.  He refuses to let me.  I tell him I need to.  He gets pissed and tells me to stop in his WAY pissed off mood.  So I walked downstairs crying.  I am hurting so badly.

What have I done wrong?  Why can't I be mad at him?  Why is he so cold.  I left.  To calm down. To cool off.  Does he care.  No.  I get home.  He is sleeping on the couch.  I tell him how much I need him.  I just need to be with him.  Does he care?  No.  He is so cold.  So cold.  I just don't know if I can do this.

I am on my way upstairs now to tell him I don't work this way.  We shall see how it goes. Probably the wrong thing to do.  But I have to stand up for myself.  And this is not going to work this way.